Two Sides of the Coin...

It has been a while since I last wrote an Entry about things that circle around in my Head and opinions that I have about something.
Today I will dedicate the Entry to the Topic Friendship and also losing Friends.
Both sides of the Coin.
Lately I think a lot about my Future and about the people that had been following me, for a more or less long time in my Life; and also about the fact, that I simply can’t let go of some people that I lost along the Way.


I think everyone of us has that: One or two friends that have been at your Side since you were a little Child, or at least a Teenager (yeah I talk now as if I were already 80 or something, I know xD) and even if you sometimes act way too selfish, you know that deep inside they will never leave you. You are connected to those people – mentally, physically…
They know you so much better than anyone else, and if you ever need an honest opinion, you don’t even have to ask, ‘because they tell you already before you can open your Mouth.
They’re more than just friends; they’re like Soul mates or a lost Brother or Sister…
Then there are those people who you meet for drinking or meet for talking about the daily things. They don’t REALLY know you, but they accompany you, when you need company. And that’s what makes you like them.
You may have more or less close or not so close Friends, Buddies, however.
- You don’t have the feeling to be alone, because you know someone is always beside you.
Sometimes you argue with those people… mainly those things can be fixed, but sometimes the differences between you and your friend become so huge, that you distance too much to ever be friends again.

Unfortunately that is what happened to me lately.
I would have all reason to hate that person, but in a very short time that person conquered my Heart… and even if most of the time I show only contempt for what was said and done, at some days I stare to my wall with our Photos… That aren’t even past, since so long… and yet those happy Moments seem a whole Life away.

I must admit that I am a very open person. A naive person.
If you handle me nicely, I open up for you very fast and easily and you win me as a friend.
That doesn’t mean I would directly die for you, but it means you have me at your Side…
I’m pretty egoistic though, as already mentioned… so don’t expect me to call you first. I will be waiting for your call! Anyway, if you pay me some attention, we won’t lose each other, that’s sure, and maybe, when you have found a place in my Heart, I will even be the one to ask how you are doing.
Because of my very open way of handling people and not having anything to hide about my own Life (otherwise I wouldn’t write Blog) it’s easy for many people to trust me.
I show them myself, without any “make up” or a “mask” that hides my true self.
I show them my ugly and nice faces.
And they can love me or hate me for this, and get a picture of me before they can decide to open or not open up for me, as well.

But being so open, makes it easy to hurt me. I trust in people way too easily and although my past taught me that trusting too fast is bad, I do that mistake over and over again.


I’m pretty sensitive… and I hang onto the people or things that have a meaning to me…
That is why although I lost many people along my Way of Life, I could never totally abandon anyone or leave him or her out of my Life. Never ever.
I will always be regretting what I did or said and even if it wasn’t my fault, deep inside I will be begging for forgiveness forever.
I need people at my Side, like I need Air to breathe and I guess many people wouldn’t mind a lot if one of those “drinking Buddies” I mentioned up there would leave their lives, but I even feel bad for losing “drinking Buddies”.

Actually I have reached a point in my Life where distance plays an important Role.
I have been living in sort of “two worlds” (my Spanish and my German one) since a while already, but since I left High school those two worlds separate even more from each other and also the German people have a certain distance from me, because I simply lock up at home a lot and we all are pretty busy with working, planning our future, etc.

I’m wondering if I will keep those people who have a meaning to me at the moment, in my Life forever.
I’m wondering in which of my two worlds I will be living in future and all in all how it will turn out.
My biggest wish is that I can unite those worlds somehow and don’t have to lose any friend ever again, no matter for which good or stupid reason.
I want to protect everything and everyone that is precious to me!
Losing someone hurts… and letting go is impossible for me: My past is always haunting me.
So all I can do is be thankful, so damn thankful for all those wonderful and unique people I have in my Life and hope that they take me as the person I am, forever.
That they won’t stop being at my Side, even if I make many mistakes and are far away from being perfect…
I am so happy about everyone. No matter if you come from Germany, Spain, South America, France or any of all the other countries I didn’t mention.
I don’t care which language you speak, how old you are, if you are musician, or a “normal person” – I know deep inside I am connected to every one of you.
Our language is friendship and there is a bond between each of us, no matter how big the Distance may be.

I will continue my Way hoping, that I will be able to walk with each of you forever together.
I don’t ever want to lose anyone again, because I know even if our bond brakes, I keep my part of that bond forever and painfully it will always remind me of what once was, and isn’t anymore.

I have been celebrating my Birthday with my German Friends for many Years now, and even if I’m sure they will be missing me and somehow also angry they can’t celebrate with me, they also understand how happy I am to be able to celebrate my 20th Birthday together with my Spanish people.
I can’t put into words how much I long for those Days, neither can I say how happy I am that this time so many people from all over Spain try to make it to Madrid only to see Me.
That unimportant, tonta German girl, who seems to have found a place in those people’s hearts and who is so proud of that fact.

Maybe it will be forever a balancing act in my Life to unite my two worlds, but I love both worlds, love all people that are included into them and I am not willing to let go of anyone.

Why do I always write whole books and in the end it is nothing but repeating myself over and over again? Ôo I don’t know... I guess I would need a limit on this writing thing here! XD

Anyway, friendship simply is the most important thing in my Life, and I guess not only in mine.
Friends are the family that you choose.
Everyone should take care of that chosen family, losing a member is like losing a part of your own Heart…

I finish the Entry with Lyrics of a Song that suit very good to the person that I lost and why I lost them.
When that person ever comes across this blog it’ll be obvious I’m addressing THIS person and no one else… but anyway… I need to let go. I need to end this Chapter of my Life and I hope I can do so, by writing this Blog.

All the Lines you wrote
All the Words you spoke are here
- It helps
Every Part of her
Every drop of every Tear
She smiles:

This is what you wanted
This is what you’d prayed for every Day
This is what you wanted
This is what you needed them to say
And you’re just so tired
But his Life’s just getting in the Way
This is what you wanted
And there’s nothing else to do today

You can’t get out of Bed
There’s nothing left to break the Fall
- It’s too long
You can’t forget the Sound
They switch to black and white and draw
What’s gone

And you can’t go back again…
And now you have to go back Home
To face the World alone…

God only knows
How you sleep at Night
God only knows
How you face the Light

(Mesh – This is what you Wanted)

Connecting Memories with Melodies...

As many of you may have realised already (or not) I have changed my music playlist in the „IPod“ of my little Blog here.
I think I will do that more often from now on, whenever I feel like doing so, but I’m sure the IPod will always contain songs with which I connect certain memories.
This leads me to my main topic of today’s Blog entry:
Music & Musicians.

Friday I was with a friend to a big festival in Darmstadt called “Schlossgrabenfest”. Many German bands had been playing and performing there and I really enjoyed that huge Concert from the first row, as well as meeting one of my favourite bands, afterwards.

It seems lately I meet many musicians and stay in Contact with some. It impresses me how my view on “those people” changed during the last Years.
As a little Girl I was not much better than many of those screamy teen girls that I totally dislike nowadays.
“Stars” and “Musicians” had been like Aliens for me.
People, but different from “us”, the normal public. During the years I learned that they are not different at all. They’re all “nothing more” than normal people like you and me.
End of the Magic!
The good thing is that this made it possible for me to work together with some and handle them like friends, instead of handling them with respect, because I think they deserve it as “Stars” and “someone famous”.
Some weeks ago I was able to hang around with “I am Ghost”, a band from the USA, who invited me to go and have dinner at a local Burger King with them. I guess if I’d met them in younger years, I would have been like: “OMG OMG OMG!!!!”
But as I am no longer my younger me, I was amused and had a great time without freaking out.
I still collect every little piece and autograph or photo that I get with “famous people”, but more to keep it in my Memory, ‘cause it was a good moment, than because I’m so happy that someone famous gave me a coin or anything. xD
Handwritings are not worth much.
Especially not when it says “for Sandy” written on them.
So what makes them something special for us, is the memory we connect to this thing.
From my point of view, it is the same with the Music those people make.
A song may be unimportant for one person, for the other it is connected to a sad or interrupting memory and so it becomes important.
It is amazing how much influence music has on our Life.
We can’t live without it and nowadays there are so many different genres, as there are people on this planet earth.
They are written, sung and produced in every existing language and every imaginable style. With or without lyrics.
From people like you and me.
And still Musicians like “Muse” or “Lady Gaga” make their fans totally freak out wherever they appear.
What makes some people react like this?
Their Age?
But why do even old and “grown up” people react at least nervous when they’re able to meet idols of their youth?

Another time I have to point on the memories idea.
We connect memories, no matter if we had a total crush on the singer of band XY when we were a teen or simply like Song XY because it was played on our Wedding, to those people.
Sometimes it seems Lyrics of Songs speak especially what we don’t find the words for.
We have respect for many musicians and their work, their “piece of Art”.
On the festival I met some guys from a radio station, who considered themselves to be funny, making jokes about the band “Killerpilze”, because of that quite funny and teenage-like name.
It often happens to me whenever I walk around and try to promote ‘my’ “GothicDolls”. People laugh without caring about what’s behind the name.
That’s something I totally dislike: Ignorance and arrogance.
I learned to treat musicians like people. I treat them and their work with respect, no matter if I like it or not. And I give every song that someone shows me a try, before I give a critical but honest and fitting opinion.
I would never say: “Ugh I hated them directly when I heard their name…”
I would say: “Okay the name is weird, but let’s listen what the music says.”
If more people would react like this the world would be a much better place.
But well, I guess algunas cosas nunca cambian - Some things just never change.
Things that look weird to a person get ignored or treated with less respect, than things or people that we consider to be “nice” or “cool” right from the start.
I just hope maybe this blog can open some people’s eyes and also their ears, to go more open through this world and with more respect for the hard work of many Musicians.
Pay attention, I promise you can only win a lot – especially experience and more memories. And maybe the band that you didn’t like at first turns out to be amazing company when meeting them?!
You never know!
Music is not only about “like” or “dislike”. It’s like a book or a movie. We can judge (or prejudge) them or we can try to be little critiques: Get an own opinion, make up our mind and judge in the End.
Music is also about collecting memories, and connecting them to songs.
It’s about lyrics, that seem to be taken out of our own lives. Something that touches and reaches our Hearts.
In my opinion especially those Musicians who write their songs on their own and work hard and a lot, deserve respect. Because they actually are not only “human”, but even more human ‘cause they do the same as us: They struggle for reaching their dreams.
That’s why I support “GothicDolls” and no longer “Tokio Hotel” or other really famous bands.
The famous bands don’t really need my help. I respect and appreciate their work and buy CD’s from time to time, but I don’t need to do their web or a support for them.
They are already at the end of the ladder, or at least many steps higher than the little Bands.
Also I made the experience that sometimes the famous Musicians are a little bit “too much” VIP like... they consider themselves to be something better.
I don’t say it’s always like this, but sometimes.
And that’s a sad thing… they accept the Alien image that we fans give to them. Other Musicians lock people totally out of their lives, because they got betrayed or disappointed much too often when they trusted “fans” that seemed to be friends.
Music can be something beautiful and the influence it has is overwhelming. But there are always two Side’s of the Coin:
Being famous, having money – Being lonely?
Being respectful and open – Getting betrayed?
Being closed and prejudging – Missing Chances for making new, amazing experiences?
It’s in our Hands and Minds what we do with Music, what we connect to a certain Band or song or anything like this.
How we treat the Musicians when we meet them and what we do after we met them…
But in my opinion it opens more doors to listen carefully and see everyone like people, not like aliens.

They tried to catch a falling star.
Thinking that she had gone too far.
She did, but kept it hidden well.
Until she cracked and then she fell.
If all the history is true.
She's gonna end up just like you.
You made it to the other side.
But tell me who will be my guide?
They build you up so they can tear you down.
Trust the ocean you'll never drown.
Who is next? Who's gonna steal your crown?
You'll see.
[…]
They buy your dreams so they can sell your soul.
Is it any wonder we've lost control?
Feelings come, feelings go.
I have learnt my lesson well.
The truth is out there I can tell.
Don't look back and don't succumb to their lies and goodbyes.
Live your life without regret.
Don't be someone who they forget.
When you're lost reach out for me.
[…]

(Lyrics taken from: Melanie C – Northern Star [‘cause I always connected those Lyrics to some Musician Destinies])

I guess I have to thank once again many little, spanish, visual Bands for opening my Eyes and turning me into the Person I am nowadays.
People like "GothicDolls" or "Violent Pachinko".
"Eres una mas del grupo" - A sentence that I will never forget and keep in my Heart forever.
Music can touch your Heart and Soul and Musicians can become a second family, if you treat them like human beings.
Make up your mind before you talk.
We're all not different from each other.


"It's not what you say, but how you say it."

Life

It’s the biggest Present we’ll ever get.
And no one asked us, if we want it or not.
That’s the reason why sometimes we Love
And sometimes we Hate it.
We use to complain about it, and it’s difficult situations
But all in all we are afraid to lose it.
And although each of us knows, that we have to give it back one Day,
We all fear that Day and try to ignore it.

Life.

We all came to this World with a loud Scream.
And since we began to realize the World around us with our entire Mind, we have been asking Questions.



Where do we go?
What do we do?
Why are we here?

The Problem is that there are no wrong and no right answers.
Philosophy is something that plays an important role in my Life.
I love to think about situations over and over again, sometimes too much, and without finding an answer, of course, but I do it anyway.
When I was younger I used to ask myself a lot about what the sense of my Life could or should be.
All I got was panic and fear of Death.
I am horribly afraid of dying.
Of leaving this planet forever and being forgotten after all the people who loved me left this planet, too.
I know there are surely many people who say: “There will be paradise waiting for us.”
Or: “Something higher is at the other Site.”
I’m sorry, I never was that religious and I simply don’t believe this, when I see nature and all it’s wonders, where all in all it’s only about: Eat or be eaten.
When I realized that thinking about Life and Death only scares me, I tried hard not to think about it.
I was, as almost every one of us, able to blend the fact that one Day I must go, out.
Until the Day some important people in my Life died.
They simply left. Without having being able to say Goodbye or something.
Now we could say “That’s how Life works. You can’t decide on your own when you want to die.”
True, but kind of unfair.
We get our Lives, without knowing why.
And it is taken, without knowing when.

Now as no one of us knows when he or she has to go, every person does what he or she considers being most important or “the right Way” for them.
The problem is: As humans we make mistakes.
And at the end of the road there is always something we would have wanted to change or done different.
But we never can really undo our mistakes.
We learn from them, maybe we get stronger because we made them, but we can never turn back time.
We have only one Chance to find our personal “right Way” and no person can tell us what exactly to do, where to go, what to reach in Life.
Maybe our parents try to lead us into one direction, but how should we know if that is what we really want to do?
They’re older, have seen and got to know many things, they want only our best, but that doesn’t give them the right to lead OUR life into the direction THEY want it, does it?
Well I guess in the end, we’re all influenced by many people and things that simply happen in our Life.

Destiny?
I don’t know if I should believe in something like this, but sometimes it’s strange how things simply happen and we had no influence on it.

Anyway, all in all it’s mostly in our Hands how we use our big Chance.
It shouldn’t be wasted or ended too early; it should be accepted and enjoyed, with every Breath we take.
And even if sometimes accidents, sicknesses or other things take some persons out of our Lives much too early: We shouldn’t be angry about that, sad yes, but also happy for every second we had with that person.



Even if not all in Life is always great, even if there are ups and downs – we should learn from them. Accept the things that come and try to deal with them in the best way we can.
Hiding from problems and fears, doesn’t solve them nor take them away.
It makes everything only worse.

So Life is something we have lend from God, Nature or whatever, and until whoever takes it back, we must go our Way. No matter which Stones are waiting for making us stumble.

Visual Culture

My first Blog after the Introduction of myself, I want to dedicate to Visual Kei and Anime/Manga, aswell as all the Culture connected to it.
Since my younger Years I have been different from people in my Age. During primary school that didn't show up so much, as almost everyone was watching Pokémon, Digimon, Dragon Ball or Sailor Moon. It was pretty normal for younger kids to watch Cartoons - but we all grew up and almost everyone left Anime & Manga.
But as I grew up I became more and more interested into that kind of stuff, instead of leaving it. That was the time when people began to call me a Freak, instead of looking behind that word. I had a lot of problems with people who simply couldn't stand the fact that I began to wear different Clothes, which, in their eyes, looked as if they were made for carnival. Also I was reading "Comics" in the Age of more than 15.
Strange!
It's really sad in my opinion that society doesn't allow strange things to stay alive. - Many things at least.
Visual Culture (luckily) is becoming more and more popular, the only pity for me is, that here in Trier I don't have any friends who like it.
Conventions, huge events for anime and manga fans take place in germany's big cities, but I never had time or money to go there.
So for me, the Freak here, the Internet has always been the best and like the only way to meet with other Freaks and stay in contact with them.
Also all my Animes I watch there and order my Visual clothes.
In 2009 I finally made it to a Convention and to a really huge one: The "Salón del Manga" in Barcelona. Here I met with many Freak people for the first time in my Life.
I never imagined that being a Freak could once feel good. And at that time it felt so good and normal. I was a part of their World and not alone anymore. Since that Day I am a total and definite part of people who are interested in everything connected Japanese Culture. Most of my friends from Spain are Freaks themselves and all this Visual and Anime/Manga Stuff connects us. Connected to Visual Culture I must also mention a Name, that has become precious to me, aswell as the Person who has it. Alessandra Moura, also known as chiisai is organizing travels to Japan since many Years already. In my Eyes she's like a Hero. XD
She made her Way although parents had been against what she wanted to do and nowadays she is well known and highly respected by every Freak Person in Spain.
She is also GothicDolls "Mother" and Manager and has become something like a Grandmother for me, as I work for GothicDolls a lot, too.
Aless knows Japanese, English, Catalan and Spanish fluently, but has also knowledge in other languages.
In my opinion she is brilliant and I admire all she reached in her Life, a lot.
When I was younger and was bullied by other people, I never imagined that being a Freak would once be nothing I want to hide for, but something I am proud of.
Thanks to my Interest for Anime/Manga and the Visual Style I got to know many amazing people, that all teached me that Life is a fight, but fighting is worth it.
I am happy that society wasn't able to change me.
It made me a lot stronger.
And now that I found my place to be I will never leave it again and I will never again think "Is it really okay to be a Freak?".
It is okay. More than okay. Being not Mainstream opens a lot more doors than it closes. Even if of course I know that I have to hide my freaky hobbies a little, when I want to find a Job! xD
But well what I wanted to show and tell is that being different, doesn't have to be a bad thing. ^^
People should always follow their hearts and do what is most fun for them.
So if you feel like being different and go your own Way: Don't hesitate - do it!
People like Alessandra Moura show, that you can only win, if you try.

Introducing the Dragon...

So after writing Fotolog since almost 3 Years, I finally decided to get a real Blog.
Maybe I will return to my Fotolog, maybe I will delete one or keep both.
Hell knows?!
I guess it will depend on how much time I'll have for all this in future.

I'm sure this Blog will be something similar to what my Fotolog was:
Mainly a diary, but also free space for showing other people my hobbies and letting them be a part of my crazy world aswell.
Anyway, I'm a very addicted user to Inet since almost 10 Years now and my interest in this never ending source of information, games, picture source and so much more, never decreases.
Since I started being mainly a Chatter the Name "Reddragon1990" is following me, so it was sure it would follow me to my Blog aswell.
But now I guess, it's time to introduce the Dragon...


My Name is Sandra, but all my Friends simply use to call me Sandy, so I got pretty used to both Names.
I'm actually 19 years old, finished Highschool March this year and am right now on my Journey to find my place in this big and crazy World.
Some people call me a Freak, others say I would be crazy, naive, childish.
I prefer the description that I'm a Daydreamer, addicted to the Visual Style.
I live in a town not far away from Luxemburg and France, it's called Trier and is one of Germany's oldest Cities. Most of the time it's pretty boring here, even if this City is a magnet for tourists from all over the World.
(I guess that's a thing I will never understand, even if I'm normally also a typical tourist when I travel somewhere XD but I see no real reason to visit Trier!)
Anyway, my biggest Dream is to live in Spain one Day. I have a lot of friends spread all over Spain and save all my Money for travels to return there and see those people. I'm trying to study spanish on my own, but am also planning to finally take spanish as a main subject at University this Year.
As you recognized I'm writing in English although I'm a german girl. I guess I can say languages are what interests me a lot, if not even the most. English will be the second subject I'm planning to take at University.
Another addiction apart from Internet in general, languages, spain and the Visual Style is my Love for Music and Webdesign.
Since 2008 I'm supporting a spanish visual Band called GothicDolls and I'm also one of the ones who takes care of their official Webspace... Those guys have become good friends during the Years and I never want to miss them again. Even if it sounds childish they're one of the biggest Reasons why I open my Eyes every morning and get up.
(I hear their "Sandy es tonta!" already echoing in my Head! XD)
Anyway, you all should have a little impression of me already.
I guess many of my readers know me from chatting or in person since a long while already, anyway.
And if not:
Join the Dragon's journey.
Have a sit on it's wings and take a ride.
I'll show you the world from my Perspective!